Sunday, June 18

I'm Taking a Stand

While I have generally steered clear of heated issues on this blog, I am making an exception for this issue since it is, at present time, so close to my heart.

The great pants-shorts-debate has been foremost on my mind since, a few days ago, I received about 50 mosquito bites on each of my legs and impaled my poor-right-leg on a beaver-chewed-stick. When that same-said-stick broke off inside my poor-right-leg, I began to lean toward a boycott-of-shorts, and when I was forced to take 6 baths in epsom salts in 2 days to stave off infection in same-said-wound, the right choice between pants and shorts became all-too-clear.

Therefore, I am restricting the use of shorts and their equally-sinister-counterparts, sandals, to special ocassions. To be sure, I was considering an all-out-boycott, but since I must reserve the right to show off my gleaming-white-legs (in order to, for instance, impress some highly-impressionable-female-celebrity), I am merely restricting their use to certain relatively tame-urban-areas. These include selected-restaurant-patios, places-that-sell-ice-cream, selected areas of my-back-yard, and the homes of highly-impressionable-female-celebrities. These do not include clearance-sales, fast-food-restaurants-that-don't-sell-ice-cream, and any place I might be on the run from highly-impressionable-female-celebrities.

Join me, men of mosquito-bitten-legs-that-are-scarred-from-sticks, in boycotting the use of shorts from all but the few appropriate circumstances. Too long have we sat back on picnic-tables-etc., and been the victims of mosquito-and-other-insect-oppression. Too long have we allowed our legs-and-sometimes-ankles to be vulnerable to sticks, branches, and wild animals. Let us join hands as we lift up our pants to a life of healthy-albeit-pale-legs.

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Anonymous Sierra said...

Is there a certain highly impressionable female celebrity you are keeping your eyes open and your legs bared for?

12:56 PM  
Blogger Andrew Stark said...

Not a certain one, but this I do for highly-impressionable-female-celebrities in general.

1:38 PM  

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